Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I hate motherhood statements

The Falcon Academy’s handbook states they have '...a zero tolerance to bullying'.

Does anyone know any educational facility that claims to have anything OTHER than a zero tolerance to bullying? Anyone claiming a 25% tolerance, or a tolerance to within an acceptable margins, a zero plus or minus 2% tolerance?

Didn’t think so.

Couldn’t we all do with a few less meaningless, bleedingly obvious but pointless motherhood statements in our lives. If any of you says these claims are aspirational, I will have to hurt you.

Zero Tolerance.

For me it conjures up images of dedicated killer satellites in geostationary orbit above the school constantly monitoring conversation, phone calls, notes passed in class and the boys toilets for repeated flushing. The satellites poised to deliver a beam of coruscating energy to any transgressor.

Or perhaps a robot that patrols the grounds and is ready to intervene, something like the big white balls from 1970s TV series The Prisoner.

At a parents and teachers evening the head of the junior school explained this wasn’t the case. They identify any bully-like behaviour and seek to intervene as soon as possible to prevent it from occurring.

I wasn’t sure I wanted a policy that would lead to no bullying at all. If the school succeeds in this policy then the moment someone begins to harass someone else they are stopped and removed. This means the kids who would get picked on will be fine while they are on the school grounds but later off the grounds or in after leaving school they would have practice. This doesn't sound like good preparation for the real world.

I wonder if they’d be better off with a mix of strategies.

Its easy to spot the sort of kids that will get picked on at school. Ask any teacher and they will tell you which in their class are the targets. How about the school employs an elderly Korean guy, nominally as a janitor or gardener and he secretly trains up those likely kids with a few techniques so that when the do inevitably get picked on the bully gets his arse handed to him. This only has to happen a few times and the bully gives up on trying to pick on the chess team.

Identify the bullies in the school and then get the kids likely to be bullied to hire ninjas to go to town on them every time one of them gets picked on. An example if one kid’s lunch money gets stolen every bully on the list gets a visit from ninjas who steal all their clothes during swimming.

A shakedown scheme where the kids identify the biggest bully and pay him/her off to prevent any other bullies from picking on them.

Whenever a bully shows up all the kids just turn to face him, point and do the open mouth scream from ‘Invasion of the body snatches’.

After a month there is a two day battle royal (because this is SPARTA) where the kids just fight it out, after making sure that only the kids not identified as bullies have been taught how to organise and work as a team. Plus tell them where there is a stash of stuff to make traps.

But I would love to see a big white ball on playground duty.


  1. I wanted to tell my 5 1/2 year old nephew that the reason this particular kid is a bully is because he has abnormally small testicles and he's compensating. My damn bitch sister was worried about her little angel getting suspended, so i didn't.

  2. I like bullies. They are fun to hit with bats. Unfortunately they stop being bullies and you run out of them to hit.

  3. You, Sir, are a genius! I propose that you be nominated as the new Social Behavior Modeling Czar in the Obama administration with commensurate salary and perks.

    Do you have a pamphlet or newsletter to which I can subscribe?

  4. See actions speak louder than words. Having a bullying statement and policy doesn't have anywhere near the effect the Koren janitor does.

    My solution is that I am going to train my little monster up to be the bully. But a kind of benevolent bully that provides stability thought violent suppression of usurpers.

  5. Having an Bullying Amelioration Mission Statement and Vision Document is what they have instead of any actual policy that would effectively PREVENT bullying, like the teaching staff beating seven shades of shite out of the snotty little bastards until they learn respect for other peoples' personal space.

    U's right though. All bullies are compensating for having terribly shit home lives, or other miserableness in their existence. So make it that much worse for them by learning tae kwon do like my little bro did and roundhouse kicking the smug toothless grin off the carney kid who'd been picking on him for the previous two years.

  6. "This means the kids who would get picked on will be fine while they are on the school grounds but later off the grounds or in after leaving school they would have practice. This doesn't sound like good preparation for the real world."

    They should call it the "Pussification Policy".

  7. I'm all for "advocating...a plus or minus 2% tolerance" myself. Make them stop and do the math before they commit random acts of bullying!

  8. uamada - trust those instincts, but first ensure the nephew can either deleiver a kick to the nuts, or run faster than said bully.

    Moko 2.0 - I like bullies too, they taste like chicken.

    Nautilus - surely their should be some sort of ARTs grant for you to do that?

    Dr Yobbo - I would pay serious elephant buck to see said bully when he got his comeupance, I bet every teacher at the school would also put in cash to see it as well. If you put it on you tube you would get major hitage.

    Heidi Germanaus - yes they should call it 'Pussification Policy' but they won't, though I will from now on.

    intelliwench - but I am still working on explaining what significant figures are to the school teachers ever since they were used in the results in the_weapons science project he submitted.

    The Rhino
    I accept the position with the humble thanks, and sure i can find a quango for the good friends who helped me get there.

  9. I found that teaching the Brat the phrase: 'Yeah, but it won't make your dick any bigger' has served him well over the years.